M is for Mother

This is a picture of my mother- not sure where we were? but I lived with her 3 times in my life and this must of been one of the places we lived. Who my mothers were and the part they played. My biological mother shown here is turning 60 this year. My grandmother( my mom's mom) turned 84 this year. Then my dad was remarried
and married to a women name Lorna who was and is my step-mom.  My mother was 19 when she had me. I lived with my grandmother on 16 acres of land, with 2 standard poodles. I played alone alot, but I loved it and we had no Television so my grandmother and I would create art and paint - one of the reasons why I think I am so creative. (Although, I am not an artist in the sense of drawing or painting things, more abstract)
My grandmother is also very close to my 4 year old son, I try to document all the things they do with notes, and photos as my son may not remember her when she is not hear any more.
My mother is very funny and sometimes very inappropriate- I would call her a crazy pal not my mother but she did carry me for 9 months so this counts for something, and I know in her own way, she loves me.

My step-mother has been in my life since I was 2. She has been at my wedding and has been in my life even when my father died suddenly in 2003. She makes sure we all stay together as a family as my father would want it. When I was a child I went to my step-moms and my dads for every weekend and for all holidays. My family traditions are based on childhood memories that my step-mother and father put in place. I ask my self many questions as a Mother- If I died today, what regrets would I have regarding my child? Do I pay attention to him and show him hugs and love daily? Did I start family traditions and maintain them? What is a definition of a mother? the definition in the dictionary says," a women who gives birth to a child." but we know that is not the only definition of a mother.Mothers who adopt are mothers too- Adoption is when a child grew in it's mommy's heart instead of her tummy.
So how can a women be a good mother... I am sure it's up to inturpetation... but I think these are good hints
1. If you are married, let your children witness that you sincerely love and respect their father, your husband. This will teach children to know that love and respect are important in a home, it also prepares them to be loving and affectionate to their own mate, when the times comes. My father did this with my step-mother and even though we would kid around and say... EWWW take it to the bedroom I am sure we secretly were happy for them.
2. Quality time for just you and your child and if you have more than one - time separetly to talk or to just hang out.
3. Be a positive and moral role model
4. Do not be a buddy but a parent
5.Listen effectively to your children
6.Try to stay away from the negative behavior and only comment on the positive when you can.
7. Teach your children manners they are never old fashioned- teach them to be respectful
8. Teach your children to help others, a neighbor or family member
9. Teach your child that not everyone is trustworthy
10.Teach the best way you know how that arrogance is not attractive but confidence is.
11.Teach your children the meaning of friendship
12.Teach your children to be an honest person and to walk in integrity in their daily lives. We reap what we sow.
13.If you believe in God than teach your children about him
14. Teach your children to respect their elders, this is something that the new generation does not do well.

I have a book entitled 2,002 ways to show your kids you love them by Cyndi Haynes it gives lots of wonderful ideas to do with your child and great motivators when you are stuck!!! Here are a few of my favorites along with putting notes in there lunch boxes.
applaud your child's talents
tell your child what you have learned by your mistakes
Empower your child through fair and wise rules of conduct.
be sure you know cpr and the heimlich manever
Read to your child even if they are older

Mothers' of  special needs children are Mother Warriors, that's what  Jenny McCarthy calls  them in her book  entitled just that Mother Warriors

Some mothers of children who have special needs feel they are alone but they are not. I am a mother of a child with special needs, my son does not have autism, he has Neurofibromatosis, or NF1. It is a lifelong disorder that encompasses a set of distinct genetic disorders that cause tumors to grow along nerves and can affect the developments of bones and skin. In Jenny's book she advocates for her son, and talks about mothers who hear bad news about there children  but believe in miracles and are able  to carry on with strength and determination even if her partner doubts her or offers her no support.

Finally a mother is ME I am the mother to a special needs child who also has A.D.H.D. and is very busy and very distracted by all life has to offer. But my love for him is so deep. When he was born in the hospital the love that burst inside of me was too big to describe.- No matter what life has in store for me I will always remember that single, shining moment as my little touch of Heaven.  I keep a book of fun things that my son says to me, and those things make me laugh and smile, and someday when he is older and reads them he will be laughing too. I know having a son I may not have time to bake with him or shop and I won't be picking out a wedding dress for him but maybe his wife will like me? I think about friends I know and they have grown sons and they don't visit a lot and they live nearby, it breaks my heart to think he won't want or need me as a person of importance in his life, but I think that's what being a mother is ...able to let go in some ways...
  So I read a book recently Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah and the two main people in the book are Kate and Tully. In the book Tully's birth mom, never really wants her, and one time she comes to take Tully and Tully is so happy but then the mother leaves her as a young child alone in a crowded street, and does not come back. It breaks my heart to think of the kids that are not wanted, or the mothers who don't feel what I feel, some would argue that they are NOT mothers. I just feel for the child.
Mother's day is fast approaching so tell your mother what you love about  her on the phone in a card or even an email today. I read my son Tomie de Paola's new book last night. If you love him or even if you don't

look for it in a library or bookstore near you.

IF your not a mother and are unable to conceive, I wish you a miracle, if you are a single mother- know your child will grow to appreciate you and know what you did for them. IF you are a women who is older and feel you may never have a child than adopt or "borrow" a friends child to send gifts to, or take on a day trip to the zoo, hershey park or the aquarium, your friend will thank you for the "time off" and your bond with her child will grow and you will feel like a "mother".
 Hope you did not think my MOM post was MUNDANE
Tomorrows post is about Nuiances stay tuned...
I have reposted this post for Holly at 504 Main  she does a great tickled pink feature on Fridays go visit.

Day 9

well many of you won't want to do today's journal and post so if not you can skip it. It is something I always need to do, and find it theraputic.
  My father died suddenly March 10th 2003. He had retired at 53 and had purchased land and build a house with my step-mother in Myrtle Beach. I don't really like to remember his death date, although, I remember the call vividly~ and the shock and sadness that followed. His birthday was in April and I like to remember that. My sister and stepmother are on facebook and they always post pictures of him in March and that is there way of thinking of him and missing him, so it reminded me the day was coming up. So I have decided to tell you all that writing to someone who has passed can be very helpful. I wrote my father a sorry letter and put it in his casket when he died. (did I think he would sit up in the dark and read it, no but the afterlife if still so unknown- for those of you who even believe in that)
so the challenge of the day is to write a letter to someone who has passed and tell them all the things you forgot or couldn't and I will post one of the letters I have written to my dad since he has passed.

Day 6

A friend of mine told me she reads my blog daily, she is a bit younger and she has no children, but she purchased a journal and is keeping a record of our friendship. I would have never thought to do this for a friend. So if you have no children write a letter to you husband or a good friend and tell them how you felt when you first met them.
  I want to tell you about another journal book called Just between YOU and ME it is an interactive journal for parents and their children it's by Tracy Rumpf
the following is from the first page in this book...
"Dear Mom and Dad,
 Have you ever asked your child a question and gotten no response? Have you found at times that communicating with your tween or teenager is next to impossible? I think that at one time or another, all parents have been in this situation.
  When my ten-year old son started to have some problems in school, He did not want to talk to me about it. As much as it broke my heart that he wouldn't share his feelings with me, I knew I had to find a way to help him communicate his feelings. I bought a notebook and started writing down a few general questions about his feelings. We started writing back and forth  to each other and before I knew it, he was opening up to me and telling me what was going on with him.
  We began a journaling ritual. When I was finished writing. I would put the notebook on my son's bed, and when he was finished writing he would put the notebook on my nightstand. We never verbally spoke about it; it was like we were part of a secret club and it was really fun. I began to do the same with my ten-year old daughter, and I now feel that I have a good handle on what is going on in my children's lives. They start middle school this year, and in today's world, all parents need to find a way to communicate with their kids.
 Here's how to use the journal:
Don't feel the need to write in it every day
Typically in our house, we journal when there are problems, but we also journal about positive things. At least once a week I make sure to write how proud I am of them and point out the good things they are doing.
  Between YOU and ME is not only a way for you to communicate with your child, but it will also be a keepsake that you will have forever of the written thoughts and feelings between you and your child. What a wonderful gift to have."
  So there you have it- it also has a letter to the child about how the book works.
I married a man who had an 11 year old son when I moved in, he was very excepting of me-but there arose many subjects over the course of the time living with him that I was not sure how to approach and my husband was not approaching and when he did he was yelling.  I used facebook as my journal I wrote to him in the email area and told him we would not talk about it just write, it worked and I learned a lot of his fears,
and what he was doing and not doing.
Well happy posting
Today's letter can be to your teenager or tween and if they are still small you can write to them about what they will be as a tween or teenager
You may want to include in your letter to your tween or teenager the following:
*Promise yourself to be strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind
*To be just an entusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
*To give so much time to the improvement of yourself and limit criticizing others
Some great websites
www.helpmyteen.com
www.allaboutyou.com
www.theantidrug.com
www.talkingwithkids.org
www.kidshealth.org
www.byparents-forparents.com
www.familiesaretalking.org
www.iparenting.com
Have fun and remember to share them with me.

Day 4

This letter is one I am sharing with you... The topic is about being pregnant... If you weren't and adopted write about the wait, and the day you went to adopt... etc...

November 04, 2004
  Baby to be,
  I have worried about being able to conceive my own biological child since I was in my late 20's.  I have wanted to be a mother with such a desire. I was an Au pair to a little girl for 4 years, and I had so much enjoyment from her that I knew I could be a good mom. I was engaged to a man before your father and I could have gotten married or pregnant with him, but I did not want to have a child just to have one, although if you want a child badly one might do almost anything.  I wanted  a  loving "family" for you. I felt you having a network of people around you and a father who saw you daily would help you develop. I know some people loose their fathers to death, divorce and more, and I am sure the mothers make sure that there is a grandfather, uncle or brother to stand in and be that network.
  I am 36 years old when I write this and you are finally real to me, You are only just a grain of rice but You are there and you are real.  I feel like I will be old when you are in your 20's and for that I am sorry. I will try my hardest to keep up with you and be young and some what hip.  My own mother is turning 50 this year. She had me when she was 19. I can't imagine having a child that young, I would be such an imature mother if I conceived you at 19.
 I am happy you are here. I am happy to be your mother, I can't wait to meet you.
Love,
Your mother to be

Journaling

 So this is a 14 day challenge for any or all of my followers to do. If you do decide to take the journey I hope you will post a few of your letters and or thoughts in the comment area. Some of you may begin to read into this post and figure out what it is really about and say---" I am not doing that or talking about that it's morbid." Ok so let's just get to the meat of the discussion... I want to have every mother, grandparent and or father to sit down for the next 14 days and follow my leads for topics and create a letter to your child or grandparent, That's easy what is the catch???? The catch is they are for them to read upon your death... I find letter to be simple and honest expressions of a persons values and a reflection about your life. It is a window for your child or grandchild to see what you were like or how you thought about things, ideas and them.  It can be filled with your hopes for them for the future- the gift of reading some one we loves thoughts is a treasure. I have a few cards my dad wrote me over my life, but no letters and boy do I wish I did.
  Where did the idea come from ???? Well it may have started with my dad's sudden death in 2003 or it may have started with my pregnancy when I was purchased the book Letters for Tomorrow A journal for Expectant Moms and Dads ( my side bar- on the blog has copies of all the books I refer to in this blog. 
  Next the idea became to swarm in my head about Aiden having Neurofibromatosis and what if he lived and I died and he had to be motherless with a special needs situation. I began writing him letters to tell him how special I thought he was even with this illness.  Then it was the book called A journal for Jordan by Dana Canedy about a tragic story of love and war. A father writes letters to his unborn son and he dies for our country. "The book is a living , breathing legacy." says author of The color of water by James McBride.
 Finally, my thoughts came today in class when a student of mine's mom was invited to speak about her adoption of him from China. She read a book about orphanages in China. She mentioned about people in China being allowed to have only one child and often if they had more they were sent to jail- I thought about how difficult and painful this would be and how many children are given up for these reasons and for health reasons. This child in my room needed surgery and the American parents believe he may have been placed in the orphanage as the Birth parents may have known they would not be able to afford or get this type of medicine or surgery in China. I began thinking of those birth mothers and if they had or wanted to write letters to their children- I found a book called Letters from China by Bonnie Cuzzolino
  So The challenge if you choose to accept it is simple starting Saturday you will begin a letter based on part or all of a topic I provide to your child, in case you died suddenly. You will hand write them if possible and keep them all bond at the end with a ribbion or string or in a specially decorated box.
  Start brain storming about your values and reflections you would like to share.
 " Why cannot letters inspire? They have souls; they can speak; they have in them all the force which expresses the transports of the heart; they have all the fire of our passions. Letter from Heloise to Abelard
 A word about Procrastination:
  If you have the tendency to put things off until the last possible moment and don't understand why you do this, there are many reasons but try to avoid procrastination. You will be able to begin a process of honest self-disclosure, which is a valuable form of communication.Children even children who have grown into adults like to see you are human and have had problems and are still able to openly communicate about them.
  See you Saturday with a subject nice paper or a nice bound book and a pen.