the long PAUSE in the dressing room

I am behind in my 31 day posts about PAUSE... Today I took Pause in a dressing room.

Today my mother in law invited me to lunch and then to do some retail shopping. I didn't really want to go, I had a lot of work to do and in all honesty dislike retail shopping. I know some of you call it retail therapy, but unless it's a small fun boutique or a book store, I usually pass.
 So I haven't been inside a retail clothing store dressing room in more than a year. I KNOW crazy, I run into Kohl's once in awhile and buy a shirt off the wrack- and don't bother to try it on.  I always think it's because I don't want to take the time to go in the dressing room, but today I learned the real reason.

Growing up I was skinny- into high school and college I had a concave stomach, and I could finish off a burger, fries and a shake and not gain a lb. IN my 30's things started to change. I am an emotional eater to top things off, and when I am stressed I eat.  That being said, over the years I have gained and lost weight. I was in great shape the 9 months that I went vegan and was running 4 miles every day. My business began to grow, my son's school needs changed and I began to work at the computer longer than I would like to admit, doing school work, advertising, blog posts and writing content for my detoxes and health coaching programs.

But now back to the department store... we pulled up and I was full of naive hope as I grabbed my purse and headed with my MIL inside. I loved all the fall colored cardigans, and the cowl neck dresses. I had a little spring in my step as I walked closer to one of the mannequins that seemed to be leaning toward me to say, come on buy something. Everything was more expensive than I thought it would be, but my mother in law said she she had a 25% off coupon and not to worry. So I loaded up my arm with a few things and headed to the dressing room.
  What I saw in that reflection- perplexed me- DID I really look like this? a frumpy women trying to fit into clothes from Taylor Swifts closet? Above my waistline was a bulge pooching out. My hair looked awful and my flabby arms, well you couldn't miss them. The double mirrors, angled cruelly and looking at the back of the dress I was trying on was very unpleasant. I couldn't get away from it, I looked like a different person- Someone I really didn't want to be acquainted with. I am not condoning self loathing and I was not trying to be so self-critical but I felt defeated standing in that mirror. ME the health coach.
  BUT this is the real me. THE true me that I hide from lately, and try to ignore, but the mirrors showed me it can't be ignored any more. YES, I could ignore the mirrors, not go back to a retail dressing room and say the truth is relative. BUT I was not walking the walk as a coach. It hit me really hard, I felt like a fraud, I didn't feel like my genuine self. How did I let myself go again, I eat the right things and I stay away from GMO, dairy and gluten, how could I be so flabby and out of shape. I spend many hours at my desk working without movement, and I see clients sitting and on the phone or skype and I don't move as much as I use to.

I am on the cusp of transition, my business is growing bigger and I get more an more clients weekly.I think a part of me is terrified. I feel what if I am not good enough, or I don't know enough- or I don't deserve this.  I know it's ok to be afraid, I tell my clients this all the time, Fear is natural. But not if fear paralyzes you. Maybe I am not my ideal body yet, but I am one hell of a lot closer than I was 2 years ago. It's about the journey not the race - right? I don't want to have limiting beliefs about myself and I know the choice is up to me. I know with all my heart that my coaching has helped my clients, I know I am good at what I do. I know my clean eating support group is going to be a huge success to many women and I know I am spreading a healthy message for as many women as I can reach. I help people with self-care and self-love and I have gotten countless letters telling me so, so why do I feel I am a fraud. I can see the beauty in other people, why can't I see it in myself.  I am dependable and driven coach. YES, I have room for improvement in my business and with  my own body.

So what does all this mean? it means I am enough, but I am going to make a better effort to add more movement into my life, and do things I do enjoy even if I am behind on a school module, a monthly newsletter or a program I want to launch soon.  This couldn't have happened at a better time as I am taking a online class with Brene Brown October 2oth and we are reading her book The gifts of imperfection....

May your dreams be bigger than your fears... and maybe I will see you in the gym, in front of my P90X dvd, or walking my 4 miles again. ( NO, I didn't end up buying anything) but maybe in a few weeks, I will see progress and buy my self a reward for efforts made.  So know I know the real reason why I don't like retail shopping because that me I see in the angeled 3 sided mirror, is the me, I was trying to avoid, until today.