day 13

So two days left of my series of letter writing
here is a letter I wrote to my 4 year old son, for him to find some day regardless if I am young or old.
Dear Aiden,
 I hope I have been a good mother, and not a disappointment to you. I am sure I angered you or embaressed you once or twice.
 I think of how growing up I envied other families that were not divorced. I hope I am able to give you a feeling of family and home regardless of what happens to or in our family.
  I want you to know how hard I worked to advocate for services for speech and O.T  for you. Some of my family thought I was crazy and said, He's fine it will come don't rush it. I was not trying to rush your delays I was trying to give you the best jump on help I knew how. I struggled silently with A.D.D and a learning disability growing up and although, it's no one's fault it cost me things I wanted to be or do.
 I read to you when you were growing in my "tummy" and I hope I have instilled in you a love of reading as my grandmother , your Nan instilled in me. I have a love of literature and I believe you do too.
  When you don't listen or make me angry I do scold you and sometimes too firmly, but I don't want you to be disrespectful to teachers, women or people and I don't want you to be rude or spoiled.
 You make my heart melt now and I bet you will continue to do that for years to come. I find you so handsome. I love the conversations we have about worms, love, life and being a 'sushi chef". You had sushi with me one day recently and you said," look what he does with that rice, and then he turns it into sushi." it's magic- I want to be a sushi chef when I get big. Aiden you can be anything you want.
 My hopes for you are to go to college if that is what you wish, and I hope you have a good balance of studying and fun. So many men in there 40's are still smoking pot and that is a waste of money and brain cells. I DO NOT want that life for you.
  If I did when you are still young I know it could be difficult and if I could stay longer I would.
I lost my dad papa Steve when I was 35 and not married yet. It was sudden and I did not get to tell him all that I wanted he was only 52. If you think you had so much to tell me if I go early, You can talk to me, I am sure I will be listening. Please keep my memory alive and in your heart.
 I hope our relationship although, it will change over the years stays strong and that you feel you can call and want to call me once a week. I know women in my neighborhood who's son's live nearby and they never visit and rarely call, this makes me so sad.
 I leave you now but know I love and loved you deeply.

Mom