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Thursday, April 29, 2010

Y is for Young love

Young love... I remember it vividly-My first "boyfriend" was Kevin Miles we ran on the same track team, and loved to cuddle on the back of the track bus. We never did anything but kiss and it was so sweet.
  We were in 8th grade and very "geeky". We would go to Vassar College and pick some lilies and walk around for hours. One day my mother went with us and her dog, and she took this picture: (it's the only one I have) I had no idea at that time that there was a thin line between love and fascination.
 He went away to college later in life - GO tar heels !!!and wrote me a few letters , letters which I may still have, but I have never looked for him again. After Kevin there was a boy named Scott. Once again we never did anything much but kiss but I think about him often. We would talk on the phone until one of us fell asleep,there was something so comforting as this, and to wake up with the receiver felt like I had been with him all night, so risque for me back then.
  Then when I was 16 years old I was raped by someone who went to my high-school. It was a terrible set up. I talk about it here to maybe help someone know what I did not.
I was invited to a party at a popular boys home in my home town. My grandmother drove me to the party. When I got there I met his parents, they were home. I did not really know the boy, except many thought he was cute at school.  I  had spoken to many of my friends about if they were going to this party and they were. When I showed up at the time told to me, no one else had arrived yet. After about 30 minutes of talking in his house, he told me we should go outside and wait for the others, I was eager as I was very nervous being around this senior boy, and he gave off a weird vibe~ that I remember now, but didn't pay attention to then.
While outside it was getting dark, I was surprised that his street did not have street lights, as our street where I lived did.  I asked him what time people were suppose to come, and he said any minute. He brushed my hair from my shoulder behind my neck and kissed it. I jokingly said, "what was that for?" He said, "I like you." I said, "We have never really spoken at school until now, how do you know you like me.?" "sit down in the grass" he said. AT this point I could see we were at the end of a cul-da-sack. Only one house the one who's law we were sitting on was visible. I looked at  my swatch watch and saw the time 8:00 I had to be home in 2 hours. When I sat on the grass he pinned me and pulled up my skirt, pulled down my underwear, he told me let me show you how much I love you- I said, "Stop". He didn't I was crying and he began - I didn't yell, I just cried, and cried and cried. When he was done, he said get up and fix yourself, and if you tell anyone you didn't like what just happend and that you didn't want it, I will deny it. I went in his home and his parents were watching tv, I just asked them if I could use the phone, and when I did I called my grandmother and asked her to pick me up, the party was over. I asked him before I left quietly, why the kids never showed up, he said I cancelled the party I just wanted to see you. I was numb.
  I went home and took a shower, I know you should never do this, but I was 16 I had never had sex till this day, and I had never heard the word rape and if I did I thought it meant a stranger broke in your house to rape you. I never told anyone until my freshman year at community college, there was a rape seminar. I realized at this seminar, I had been raped. I was instructed after the seminar to speak to a counselor about date rape, I did and I have been in therapy about it for a long while. I am not the same women I was then, I would react much differently. I don't know why I did not yell or hit or bite? I know why I did not tell my grandmother or family because I felt it was me who had done something wrong, I thought this is how people act,maybe this is how people have sex. I was so confused back then. Being a young girl is so hard-
  After that experience I had no feelings about boys or love or dating. All my friends were and they told me I was silly for not wanting a boyfriend, they did not know what I knew. My senior year - that boy enrolled in U.S army and I only ran into him 2 times each time, being difficult. When he left the school, I finally felt free and I had a job as a cashier at a local farm market, I began to talk and laugh again and thus began my first boyfriend... Mark Stanzak- He is married now and lives in my hometown. He was the sweetest man I have ever know- I told him about my past and he was very understanding. He was very romantic, making me cards and gifts all the time, telling me I was beautiful daily and he wanted nothing in return but my love. His mother took endless pictures of us, all of which I still have. We went on road trips together, camping and so much more. Here are a few pictures of us and our Evident young love.
 Why we broke up? I guess I thought it was time to move on, we dated 5 years and I thought I wanted to meet and see other people, I wanted to move out of our hometown, and he did not. I have no regrets, but I do know he was the only man who treated me like a special special person. The way he held my hand or the way he looked at me are forever etched in my heart. IN our hearts, we will always remember the days of our youth and young love.


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

What a terrible experience! I don't understand how someone could do that. It's the lowest form of being human.

Melody said...

I am so, so sorry that you had to experience date rape... and proud of you for sharing your experience to help others. I am glad that you have met other (decent!) men since then.

Lisa said...

Bless your heart. I hope that your story will not only help others that have experienced what you did, but will somehow help the healing continue for you.


Marjorie said...

Your story I'm sure will help others educate their children about what can happen. Thank you for sharing your story. It breaks my heart that you had to go through something so horrible.

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